Welcome to the works of Jason D. Martin
by Jason D. Martin
All right children, everyone sit down. Mikey stop pulling Sarah's hair.
Christopher... No. Please do not wipe snot on Julie. No, please do not
settle down children. Today I want to tell you about three things every
little boy and girl should know. These are very important things, so I want
you all to sit criss cross legs crossed and paying very close attention.
Okay, first... Never ride with a stranger. This is very important so I want
you all to repeat this rule with me. Never ride with a stranger. All
together now. Ready?
(The actress should make every attempt here to get the audience to say
this line with her.)
Never ride with a stranger. Good. Why shouldn't you ride with a
stranger? Julie? Very good, he might not be such a nice guy. He might
be dangerous. You never know, a stranger might offer you candy... But
then take you and put you in a box full of snakes... You just never know.
Now lets say it just one more time just to make sure that you all have it
down. All together now: Never ride with a stranger. Good. Very good.
Now the second thing: Always wear your seatbelt. This is very important
so I want you all to say it together with me. Always wear you seatbelt.
Ready? Together now: Always wear your seatbelt. Now why do we
always want to wear our seatbelts? Mikey? Right... If you are in a car
accident you could get hurt. Exactly. You might go through the windshild
and get run over by an ice cream truck. You just never know. Now one
more time, all together now. Always wear your seatbelt. Very good
children. Now this is the last and most important thing to remember. You
must listen very closely because it effects every one of you. You must
also listen closely because I'm going to have you repeat it. Okay kids,
are you ready? Here goes: The governments of the world are involved
in a multinational conspiracy with an alien race from the planet Zeon; the
ultimate goal of this alliance being the total domination and conversion of
every man, woman, and child on this planet into hosts for a future alien
race that will use all mankind like cattle for food. Now are there any
questions? Sarah? What is a multinational conspiracy? Well that's
when all the governments of the world get together to keep secrets from
the people. The aliens are already among us... The government doesn't
want you to know that you are all going to be fodder for an alien race.
Remember how Miss Graham, your principal, told you that little Johnny
White had to move away? Miss Graham is part of the conspiracy. What
really happened is that the aliens took over Johnny's Mommy and Daddy;
they in turn changed into alien monsters with huge teeth and giant claws.
When little Johnny went to bed, they were hiding. The Mommy monster
alien was under the bed and the Daddy monster was in the closet. Little
Johnny didn't even know what hit him. The monsters came out and
started to tear that little boy to shreds. He screamed and screamed...
After they were done, they made a milkshake with his brain. Now are
there any more questions? Oh don't cry. Mikey? You're going to tell on
me? To who? Miss Graham? She's part of the conspiracy. She's an
alien dressed up to look like a principal. Go ahead and tell her... I
wouldn't want to be in a room alone with her. She might suck your brain
right out your ear. Any other questions? Christopher? I'm scaring you
and you're going to tell your Mommy and Daddy? Well Christopher...
What if your Mommy and Daddy have already been taken over by alien
hosts? What if you go to them and say, "Mommy, Daddy, my teacher
says that there are aliens among us!" And then what if they tie you down
to the table and start to do experiments on you? What if they clip your
pee pee off and put it in a bun? What if they make you eat it like a hot
dog. Would you like relish on that? Now... You wouldn't want that would
you? Okay, now all together now. The governments of the world are
involved in a multinational conspiracy with an alien race from the planet
Zeon; the ultimate goal of this alliance being the total domination and
conversion of every man woman and child into hosts for a future alien
race that will use all mankind like cattle for food. Very good. That was
excellent for first graders! Okay, now tomorrow we are going to talk
about the letter "A", how to wash your hands correctly, and how to make
a tinfoil hat that will keep the alien species from reading your mind. Have
a good afternoon children and don't forget what we talked about today!
(The Lights Fade to Black)
The Play is Finished
At rise a female first grade teacher is discovered. The following
monolouge should be performed as if to very young children. The
actress playing the role should attempt to get the audience to repeat the
given lines as if they are the class.
auditions. However any complete performance of this piece will require
written permission from Jason D. Martin. If you would like to obtain said
permission email Jason.