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HIPPIE:
Ah yeah... You two aren't kings or anything are ya'?
JED:
We's just men about ta' shoot a goddamn pinko commie.
HIPPIE:
No, no, no! I can't take anyone to heaven that shoots me. Um... Do you think those
guys that crucified me are in heaven?
ELROY:
Let's shoot 'em Pa... It's a trick. I knows it!
HIPPIE:
If you... If you shoot me, you'll burn in hell. That's right, you'll burn in hell with all the
liberals and commies. And... And... Satan will make you share a room with a... A
commie who will... You'll be his bitch. He'd say suck it bitch! Every night! And you'd
have ta' suck it!
JED:
Why I'd shoot 'em.
HIPPIE:
Ya' can't. He'd already be dead.
ELROY:
Come on Pa... He's a commie for sure. Jesus don't say bitch! And Jesus sure
don't say suck it!
JED:
Jesus can say bitch if he's talkin' about a female dog.
ELROY:
He wasn't talkin' 'bout no female dog!
JED:
That's right, you weren't talkin' 'bout no female dog! Were you?
HIPPIE:
I was just sayin' what they'd say in hell. I was... Um... I was quoting 'em.
ELROY:
He ain't doin' no quotin'. He's makin' this up!
HIPPIE:
Now why would I make this up?
ELROY:
Think about it Pa, to save his stupid commie ass.
JED:
Alright! Alright! Now I want you ta' look me in the eye and tell me if you's really
Jesus or not.
(Jed grabs the Hippie by his shoulders and stares him in the eye.)
Now what are you?
HIPPIE:
I... Uh... Well, I'm Jesus.
JED:
That's good enough for me. Put away your gun boy.
(Jed puts his gun away. He turns around and walks back to a bush. Elroy is not
quite as convinced. He keeps his gun trained on the man.)
ELROY:
Okay, if you's Jesus which way is it to the kindom of heaven?
HIPPIE:
Um... It's ah... Well, up of course.
ELROY:
Then how we get there?
(Jed begins to pee on the bush behind the two men.)
HIPPIE:
Well, uh... Ya' gotta' die.
ELROY:
I don't like that idea much.
JED:
(While peeing.) Boy, you mind your manners around Jesus.
ELROY:
(Indicating the man's backpack.) Jesus, what do you got in your backpack?
HIPPIE:
Oh... Um, well just some Jesus stuff.
ELROY:
Like what kind of Jesus stuff?
HIPPIE:
Um... Secret Jesus stuff.
ELROY:
Can I see?
HIPPIE:
No, I... I don't think it would be appropriate for two ah... Two godfearing men like you
to see.
ELROY:
Jesus Christ, I wanna' see!
HIPPIE:
No, I don't think so.
ELROY:
(Raises his gun back up and points it at the Hippie.) Let me see.
JED:
Boy you put that gun down. Jesus don't like ta' be shot.
ELROY:
Shut up Pa. I wanna' see what Jesus got in his backpack. Hand it over Jesus.
(The Hippie slowly hands over the backpack. Elroy snatches it from the man and
greedily begins to scrounch through it. Suddenly he finds something. Slowly he
pulls out a small bag filled with something green.)
ELROY:
Pa! Jesus Christ is got the marijuanna weeds in his backpack!
(The Hippie turns and runs away. The two men begin to yell after him.)
JED:
Jesus Christ! Don't run away! Now see what you did boy?
ELROY:
Pa, Jesus Christ is a goddamn junkie, not a goddamn Commie.
JED:
Jesus ain't no junkie, he just run away 'cause you keep actin' like you was gonna
shoot 'em.
ELROY:
I wasn't gonna' shoot 'em.
JED:
It don't matter, he's gone now.
(The two men sit down. There is a long silence as they look off in the direction that
the Hippie ran.)
ELROY:
Pa?
JED:
What is it boy?
ELROY:
If we's supposed ta' be like Jesus and Jesus is a marijuana man, then are we
supposed ta' be marijuana mans too?
JED:
Boy, I think that's what Jesus was tryin' to tell us.
ELROY:
Oh.
JED:
Think about it for a minute boy.
ELROY:
So them goddamn Junkies don't go to hell?
JED:
I guess not.
ELROY:
Oh.
(They sit quietly for a moment. Jed pulls the bag of marijuana out of the man's
pack. He opens it and hands some to his son. They both sit quietly for a moment
with it in their hands. Then simultaneously, they put it in their mouths as if it were
chew. For a moment they stare straight ahead, then suddenly they begin to chew.
After another moment they both begin to smile. The lights fade to black)
The Play is Finished
Ah yeah... You two aren't kings or anything are ya'?
JED:
We's just men about ta' shoot a goddamn pinko commie.
HIPPIE:
No, no, no! I can't take anyone to heaven that shoots me. Um... Do you think those
guys that crucified me are in heaven?
ELROY:
Let's shoot 'em Pa... It's a trick. I knows it!
HIPPIE:
If you... If you shoot me, you'll burn in hell. That's right, you'll burn in hell with all the
liberals and commies. And... And... Satan will make you share a room with a... A
commie who will... You'll be his bitch. He'd say suck it bitch! Every night! And you'd
have ta' suck it!
JED:
Why I'd shoot 'em.
HIPPIE:
Ya' can't. He'd already be dead.
ELROY:
Come on Pa... He's a commie for sure. Jesus don't say bitch! And Jesus sure
don't say suck it!
JED:
Jesus can say bitch if he's talkin' about a female dog.
ELROY:
He wasn't talkin' 'bout no female dog!
JED:
That's right, you weren't talkin' 'bout no female dog! Were you?
HIPPIE:
I was just sayin' what they'd say in hell. I was... Um... I was quoting 'em.
ELROY:
He ain't doin' no quotin'. He's makin' this up!
HIPPIE:
Now why would I make this up?
ELROY:
Think about it Pa, to save his stupid commie ass.
JED:
Alright! Alright! Now I want you ta' look me in the eye and tell me if you's really
Jesus or not.
(Jed grabs the Hippie by his shoulders and stares him in the eye.)
Now what are you?
HIPPIE:
I... Uh... Well, I'm Jesus.
JED:
That's good enough for me. Put away your gun boy.
(Jed puts his gun away. He turns around and walks back to a bush. Elroy is not
quite as convinced. He keeps his gun trained on the man.)
ELROY:
Okay, if you's Jesus which way is it to the kindom of heaven?
HIPPIE:
Um... It's ah... Well, up of course.
ELROY:
Then how we get there?
(Jed begins to pee on the bush behind the two men.)
HIPPIE:
Well, uh... Ya' gotta' die.
ELROY:
I don't like that idea much.
JED:
(While peeing.) Boy, you mind your manners around Jesus.
ELROY:
(Indicating the man's backpack.) Jesus, what do you got in your backpack?
HIPPIE:
Oh... Um, well just some Jesus stuff.
ELROY:
Like what kind of Jesus stuff?
HIPPIE:
Um... Secret Jesus stuff.
ELROY:
Can I see?
HIPPIE:
No, I... I don't think it would be appropriate for two ah... Two godfearing men like you
to see.
ELROY:
Jesus Christ, I wanna' see!
HIPPIE:
No, I don't think so.
ELROY:
(Raises his gun back up and points it at the Hippie.) Let me see.
JED:
Boy you put that gun down. Jesus don't like ta' be shot.
ELROY:
Shut up Pa. I wanna' see what Jesus got in his backpack. Hand it over Jesus.
(The Hippie slowly hands over the backpack. Elroy snatches it from the man and
greedily begins to scrounch through it. Suddenly he finds something. Slowly he
pulls out a small bag filled with something green.)
ELROY:
Pa! Jesus Christ is got the marijuanna weeds in his backpack!
(The Hippie turns and runs away. The two men begin to yell after him.)
JED:
Jesus Christ! Don't run away! Now see what you did boy?
ELROY:
Pa, Jesus Christ is a goddamn junkie, not a goddamn Commie.
JED:
Jesus ain't no junkie, he just run away 'cause you keep actin' like you was gonna
shoot 'em.
ELROY:
I wasn't gonna' shoot 'em.
JED:
It don't matter, he's gone now.
(The two men sit down. There is a long silence as they look off in the direction that
the Hippie ran.)
ELROY:
Pa?
JED:
What is it boy?
ELROY:
If we's supposed ta' be like Jesus and Jesus is a marijuana man, then are we
supposed ta' be marijuana mans too?
JED:
Boy, I think that's what Jesus was tryin' to tell us.
ELROY:
Oh.
JED:
Think about it for a minute boy.
ELROY:
So them goddamn Junkies don't go to hell?
JED:
I guess not.
ELROY:
Oh.
(They sit quietly for a moment. Jed pulls the bag of marijuana out of the man's
pack. He opens it and hands some to his son. They both sit quietly for a moment
with it in their hands. Then simultaneously, they put it in their mouths as if it were
chew. For a moment they stare straight ahead, then suddenly they begin to chew.
After another moment they both begin to smile. The lights fade to black)
The Play is Finished
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